Plants vs Zombies
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: Plants vs. zombies. It's a conflict that never ends. And one that extends across dimensions also...


_A/N_

_So, according to datamining, _Heroes of the Storm _will be getting a plants vs. zombies-type map, where players have to gather saplings to summon a "horror" to fight off zombies. Sort of PvE. Dunno if it'll ever come to pass, but got me to jot this down as a result._

* * *

**Plants vs. Zombies**

"You have no idea how much the plants appreciate the water Li Li."

"Oh, I think I do. Y'see, when you pour water on plants, it enters their-"

"Don't bring science into it. It ruins the magic."

"Huh. Right. Magic."

Li Li Stormstout, World Wanderer and pandaren, decided to take the cue from the Groundskeeper that it was time to be quiet. Partly because she'd met a flying unicorn not too long ago that kept going on about how friendship was magic, and she didn't want to add to the magic vs. technology feud that seemed to be going on between the Azeroth and Koprulu heroes. But the main reason was that she was perceptive enough to see that the Groundskeeper, sweetie as he was, didn't want her yammering on. So on that note, she kept using her abilities to pour water onto his saplings, while her pet cloud serpent chased away any birds that tried to get close.

"Caw! Caw!"

And eating some of them.

"So, anyway," Li Li continued, rummaging through the dirt with her paws as the Groundskeeper took a swig from his waterskin. A device she doubted carried anything _but _water given the smell on his breath. "There I was in the Haunted Mines. Surrounded by skeletons."

"Aren't they easy to kill?"

"Well, of course," the pandaren protested. "But I mean, this was like, a hundred of them or something! Back to the wall, no hope of escape…"

"What about your hearthstone?"

"It was…um, broken."

"And now?"

And now, Li Li wondered? Now she was wondering whether it was time to use it. Chen always knew how to tell stories. Knew how to tell them in such a way that kept his audience quiet. It was a skill she was still trying to pick up. And as he dug in his garden, planting another sapling, she wondered if the Groundskeeper wasn't the best individual to try it on. Because he looked old, smelt old, and acted old, even more so than that Zeratul weirdo. The type of person who'd seen more in the Nexus than she had, or ever would.

And yet, in-between the sporadic battles and exploring, Li Li liked hanging out with the man. Planting a sapling herself, she reflected that it was likely because he was one of the few people native to the world who was actually sane. The Raven Lord was a cruel tyrant, Blackheart was more concerned with loot than exploring (as far as she knew, he hadn't actually sailed his ship out of his bay in years), and the Dragon Knight was frankly psychotic. The Groundskeeper was…well, the Groundskeeper. Just some guy. And surrounded by everything from demons to zerg, being in the presence of someone so normal gave Li Li a therapeutic experience.

"There," she said, getting up from the ground. "Last sapling. All one-hundred of 'em."

She let out a whistle, summoning her cloud serpent to her side. As it perched on her shoulder, she tried to ignore the feathers sticking out of its mouth.

"One-hundred…" the Groundskeeper whispered, stroking his beard. "One-hundred…"

"Um, yeah," Li Li said. "Ten rows of ten. One-hundred."

"One hundred…"

"Yeah," the pandaren said, a little louder this time. "I can count y'know. I mean, if there's anything more I can do to help but-"

"No, no…" the Groundskeeper mused. "You've done enough."

Li Li nodded. As therapeutic as gardening was, it wasn't that exciting once you did it for a few hours. Besides, she had an appointment with Muradin to keep. The dwarf was currently instructing her in the arts of getting drunk. Without her uncle's knowledge.

"Now I can summon a plant horror and keep the zombies at bay."

And in an instant, all thoughts of alcohol left Li Li's mind.

"Um, what?" she asked, picking up her staff.

"The zombies," the Groundskeeper said. "They come out at night. That's why I need to plant one-hundred saplings each day. To keep the undead at death's door and not mine."

"Um…sure," Li Li said, not sure how to respond. "I'll…just be going now…"

"Plants and zombies," the Groundskeeper sighed. "Ancient enemies. Ever since the Plant-Zombie War of my home-realm."

_He's lost it._

"Machine guns, laser beams…I lived in that town…sometime at night I can still hear the screams…"

_Really lost it._

Thoughts of Muradin returned to Li Li's mind. Not so much the drinking, but more the presence of a hammer that might knock some sense into the weirdo. The same weirdo that was now looking at her with a brooding intensity.

"I thought I could escape," he whispered. "But the zombies…they're here too. The war…it never ends, y'know?"

"Well, yeah," Li Li said hesitantly. "I mean, I partake in a battle every other day or so."

"No!" the Groundskeeper hissed, grabbing the pandaren's arm. "The war between life and death! The war between light and dark! The war between plants and zombies!"

"You're hurting me!"

"You can't leave," he whispered. "The sun…the sun sets."

He was right, Li Li noticed. The sun _was _setting. And the Groundskeeper had let go of her, only to pick up a shovel like it was some kind of axe.

"It'll begin soon," he whispered. "Soon…"

Li Li glanced back. It was quite a walk to this realm's hall of storms. If she was lucky, she could get there before dark.

_Lucky? What are you afraid of?_

She gulped. Zombies…she'd encountered zombies. Fought them too. And Sylvanas was a walking zombie even if the elf didn't want to admit it. But plants and zombies? Either that was something insane, something even more horrible…or both.

"It begins."

And something happened. The saplings…the saplings began to _move_. Rise. Start coming together.

"Wh…what's happening?" Li Li stammered.

"The war begins," the Groundskeeper whispered.

If war involved one-hundred saplings coming together to form Poison Ivy's mutated sibling, then Li Li agreed (whoever Poision Ivy was, Raynor was into comics apparently). But last she checked, wars were conducted by sane, rational people. Not madmen wielding garden spades.

_I've had it, _Li Li thought, watching the aberration of nature screech to the heavens. _I've really had it._

So she turned. And walked. And stopped.

Things were shuffling in the gloom. Things that smelt funny. Looked funny. Things that made her gulp, grasp her stave, and hoped that in this realm, death wasn't permanent.

Zombies had that effect on people.

Especially the kind with machine guns.


End file.
